Built to Last: Forging and Keeping Christian Friendship

Some things wear out way too fast. Time rolls on, expiration dates come and go, and things just slowly fall apart. 

That’s just part of life.

But friendships are a different matter. We all go through seasons of life and the same is true of friendships. Some friendships come and go, received as a gift in a particular season. But there are some friendships that endure through all of those seasons, friendships that are resilient. And Ben Rector was right when he sang, “You can’t make old friends.”

Friendship is preferential love. Not only do we prefer some above others, but Christian friendship means we prefer others, our friends, even above ourselves. 

We can be friendly with a great many people, but true and enduring friendship is rare. By the way, I think there is real salience here for those of us in Christian academia. Our lives are often embedded within institutions that, by necessity, demand some culture of friendliness. We see colleagues in the hallway, at faculty meetings, at social functions (or at least we did before COVID-19!). And certainly, a broad culture of warmth, courtesy, and amicable goodwill is an essential characteristic of a healthy institution of learning. But true friendship--that which extends beyond professional conversations, the quid pro quos of scholarly advancement--is most often a rare gift. 

I confess to feeling like a bad friend most of the time. I receive far more than I give to my friends. And I suspect my conscience is somewhat burdened by that. I have friendly acquaintances far and wide, persons who I genuinely look forward to seeing, and from whom I derive joy. But there is something deeper to true and lasting friendship. 

So what can you do to build friendships that will last? Of course, some things are beyond our control and God’s providence is often mysterious. But insofar as it is within our ability, there are quite a few ingredients for lasting friendships.

Tell the Truth

It might sound strange to list this first. But the reality is that all healthy relationships are built upon the truth. The closest friends I have are the ones who I know will tell me the truth, the whole undiluted truth. They do it lovingly and wisely, of course. But they will tell me the truth, even when it may seem inconvenient or risky. They will tell me what I don’t want to hear but need to hear. And they expect me to do the same. 

Flattery is the currency of acquaintances and counterfeit friendships.

This is counterintuitive to many. Surely we want our friends to simply affirm and validate everything about us, don’t we? In a vain and narcissistic age, we have forgotten the wisdom of Proverbs: “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive” (Proverbs 27:6, CSB). Flattery is the currency of acquaintances and counterfeit friendships. But truthfulness is a mark of lasting friendships. 

“The truth will set you free, but only when it’s finished with you.” David Foster Wallace had it about right. The human soul is naturally on the run from the truth. But Christian friendships that last are those where friends understand that they love one another well by speaking the truth.

There may be a cost at times that comes with this commitment. In fact, some friendships may come to an end over a reckoning with the truth. When that happens it is deeply painful and grief many of us know firsthand. But that does not negate the reality that the roots of friendships cannot grow in soil marked by dishonesty.

Let Some Things Go

The reality is that friendships demand an ability to know when to press things and when to just let them go. You might think this is somehow at odds with the commitment to truth-telling. Shouldn’t good friends tell each other the truth always? Absolutely. But that does not necessarily mean confronting friends on everything. Any emotionally healthy and mature person has to develop these social skills. But for the Christian, we can ascribe them to virtues that are far more weighty than mere etiquette. 

If you want to build friendships that will last, be ready and willing to overlook those little irritants, the small offenses.

After all, Christians are called to walk in the way of Jesus. That will often mean saying hard things to those we love. But look again at Jesus and you’ll notice his extraordinary patience, his forbearance, and his kindness. He is not reluctant to say hard things to his friends—just ask Peter—but what stands out to me in reading the Gospels is how longsuffering and gentle he is with those close to him. If you want to build friendships that will last, be ready and willing to overlook those little irritants, the small offenses. Heaven knows your friends will need to do the same with you.

Delight in Their Success

For a novelist who understands friendship, it’s hard to do better than Wallace Stegner. His novel Crossing to Safety tells the story of two couples who forge a lifelong friendship. They meet as newly-minted PhDs hired to teach in a university English department and the rest of the novel tracks with their successes, failures, crises, and joys. 

The two male protagonists, Larry Morgan and Sid Lang, enjoy a friendship that overlaps with their professional careers. Larry is the more gifted of the two and meets with early success. Eventually, his academic career follows the path to which many aspire--tenure, promotion, hiring at an Ivy League university, etc. For a variety of reasons, Sid’s career never hits the same pace. While Larry is publishing novels and moving up the academic ladder, Sid finds it hard to publish and satisfy the administrative powers-that-be in his department. However, this widening gap in fame and “success” does not impede their friendship. Instead, Sid rejoices when Larry gets a contract for his novel. He praises his gifting and defends him when wronged. In that regard, we find that Sid may be the true hero of the story.

Friendship is the virtue that presses against the opportunity for carnality, unbridled selfishness, and vain ambition.

For colleagues within evangelical colleges and seminaries, this will be a vital element to true friendship and community. But the same principles hold true for all of us, regardless of vocation. Of course, it presumes a measure of necessary humility. Not all will advance at the same pace in our careers. Not all will find their work received with the same measure of praise and influence. Some will be better instructors than others, more popular with students, alumni, and administrators. But friendship is the virtue that presses against the opportunity for carnality, unbridled selfishness, and vain ambition. It forces us to give our efforts to praising our friends, celebrating their successes, and advocating for their work even when our own may flounder or go unnoticed.

Assume the Best

Cynicism is a mighty powerful thing. To be a fallen human is to be deeply familiar with the very real and easy allure of ascribing the worst of motives to those who disappoint us, offend us, or fall short of our standards and expectations. 

Friendship serves as something of an antidote to this temptation because a true friend is one who advocates empathetically for the most charitable interpretation. This kind of grace spills over into our relationships every time we resist the urge to ascribe the most nefarious of motives. 

There’s something to be said here about how we communicate as friends. Candidly, I am amazed at how some can infer tone from a five-word text message. Apparently, the absence of the right emoji or exclamation point can clearly signal anger, irritation, or seething rage to an unsuspecting friend. Here’s some basic wisdom. Assume the best. If you’re wondering if there is tension in the friendship, just ask. Have an actual conversation that involves using your vocal cords, not your thumbs. You’ll be amazed at how much you are capable of imagining incorrectly, all because you assumed the worst.

Be Quick to Apologize, Quick to Forgive

The deepest friendships I have are the ones where both of us have learned how to acknowledge our wrongdoing and, when wronged, extend mercy and forgiveness. This is easier said than done, of course. There is something deep within us that has been so twisted by sin that the idea of apologizing for our mistakes, failures, and outright wickedness seems to be beyond reach. I suspect it has to do with our own pride and vanity, of course. But perhaps there is also something in us that tells us that others will reject us, pushing us away, when we confess our wrongdoing. In fact, enduring friendships are strengthened by this kind of transparency and humility. Sin drives a wedge in friendships, but humble confession and forgiveness is a demonstration of love in action, bringing friendships even closer.

Humble confession and forgiveness is a demonstration of love in action, bringing friendships even closer.

Of course, this presupposes that friendships are strengthened not only by our willingness to apologize to one another but also by our willingness to extend fast and full forgiveness. Sometimes you will find that’s even harder. We want to protect ourselves, rather than opening up to the possibility of future injury. We want to litigate our causes, making sure that the offending party knows full well the extent of their wrongdoing. Friendship means giving a full and honest apology. But it also means giving full and honest forgiveness. 

Friendships worth fighting for--those that come along perhaps once in a lifetime--are accustomed to this as part of their natural rhythm. Just because a friendship seems to come easy does not mean it does not demand work. But the work is worth it.

Be Trustworthy

The truth is, the things we were taught as children about friendship still hold true. Healthy and lasting friendships are built on a foundation of trust. Mere shared affinity is not strong enough to weather the storms. Being part of the same tribe or group is a tenuous bond on its own. But when God blesses you with a friend who is eminently trustworthy, that is a particularly rich treasure. That means not only telling each other the truth, especially when difficult. It means maintaining discretion, preferring one another, showing up when no one else will, and demonstrating loyalty even when costly. 

Candidly, those friendships don’t come along often. I suspect this is partly what the author of Proverbs has in mind here: “One with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24, CSB)

Friendships that seem to function with the reliability of a healthy sibling relationship are those that last.

Friendship With God

Our friendship with one another is grounded in friendship with God. By this, I do not mean to suggest that non-Christians are incapable of forming meaningful friendships. The gift of friendship is one of God’s common graces, but it is made especially sweeter and deeper by the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

There can be no better model of friendship than that offered to us by the Savior.

Christian friendship understands that the source of love--the central dynamic of true friendships--is present only as an overflow of divine love. We love God because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). But as his image-bearers, particularly those redeemed by Christ, our capacity to love one another in the bonds of friendship is anchored in God’s covenant love. What a marvel of grace it is to consider that God would freely choose to make friends for himself out of sinners like us.

There can be no better model of friendship than that offered to us by the Savior. After all, Jesus calls his disciples his friends, even laying down his life for them (John 15:13-15). In the end, he is the friend who will never fail.